PARTISAN ALERT: I have never been a regular reader of Penny Arcade. I have been a regular listener of The Sound of Young America and Jordan Jesse Go for several years, and have met both Jordan and Jesse. They strike me as nice guys, not “ironic hipsters”, though perhaps this makes me an “ironic hipster” and therefore inherently biased. I don’t pretend otherwise.

There’s really no way to take the high road when you throw the first punch. A number of people linked me to today’s Penny Arcade strip, featuring Jesse Thorn as some sort of cannibalistic serial killer. I didn’t really get the hubbub — Jesse is a guy who works out of the home while wearing bowties and sweater vests, who dotes after his dog, who owns taxidermied squirrels, is obsessed with a demonic pig toy — Penny Arcade wouldn’t be the first people to connect these dots into a portrait of a killer. But when I read the corresponding news update,  it was clear this was no affectionate jab: it was a sincere indictment of Jesse and his radio program.

The organism who answered the door had worn a bow tie – and I am not making this up – on purpose. The next forty-five minutes were spent engaged in absolutely the most stultifying kind of nonsense while we awaited the co-host. Recording the show wasn’t much different than the previous hour, except that now there were two people to ignore us. We were steeped in a high PSI stream of cultural detritus, which culminated in an attempt by the hosts to engage seriously the subject of “Waterworld.”

There’s even an allusion to some sort of dark hostility on the part of Jordan and Jesse, as

They managed to bring out a side of Gabriel that I’ve only seen three or four times in twelve years, and only once directed at me: the implacable judge who becomes (without warning) the unadorned aggressor. You must work diligently to bring out this monster; a feat they managed in record time.

The news update paints a grim picture of Jesse as an unpleasant, unprofessional and irritating figure that one must endure, and of a duo of creators tossed into this nightmare with no forewarning. I have no idea of the day-to-day obligations of Penny Arcade creators Jerry “Tycho” Holkins and Mike “Gabe” Krahulik, but I imagine they’re quite busy with their mini-empire of comics, video games, conventions and merchandise, and I respect that being forced to wait around to get interviewed would be frustrating for people with only a fraction of the balls in the air that the two of them have. Even so, I can’t believe that they couldn’t do some cursory research about the “ironic hipster” lion’s den in which they were about to fling themselves. Instead they chose to wait until after the interview to find out that Jesse wrote a manifesto about “New Sincerity” in college and snidely dismiss it.
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Truckin’ Music is back, and we kick off the series revival with a burning question: WHO IS SLIM JACOBS?

There seems to be no information about the man, and “That’s Truck Drivin’” is his only song that seems to be released: even the flipside of the various 1960s singles feature other country/truckin’ musicians, so it seems like ol’ Slim didn’t even record a b-side.

One question on a website from 1999 offers one potential answer to the mystery, though the story seems dubious. Regardless of his true identity, Slim still left the world with a classic fatalistic barebones truckin’ song, covering all the bases: treacherous routes, societal scorn, radar blues, merciless Smokeys, drug abuse, pinball, the full monty!

So Slim Jacobs, wherever you are, whoever you are: we salute you!

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Bret Saberhagen
Mustache Rating: 1 Fingers
Years Active: 1984-2001
Teams Played For: Kansas City Royals, New York Mets, Colorado Rockies, Boston Red Sox
Career Stats: 167-117, 3.34 ERA
Was He Ever a Diamond King?: Yes!
Claims to Fame:
-Two-Time AL Cy Young Award Winner (1985, 1989)
-1985 World Series Most Valuable Player

Bret Saberhagen burst onto the scene in 1984, a twenty year old Royal sporting a weedy little caterpillar of a mustache. If my own childhood experiences in Topeka were any indication, Saberhagen inspired a wave of desperate facial hair in a generation of midwestern teens. That or the fact that the national drinking age was raised from 18 to 21 during his rookie year. Regardless, Saberhagen was a Kansas City phenomenon, the youthful sensation who won the Royals their first World Championship alongside veterans like George Brett, Dan Quisenberry, Hal McRae, Frank White and Willie Wilson.

But as all Royals stories now end, Saberhagen soon ended up playing for a bigger team, in this case the New York Mets. He shaved the mustache, and like Samson before him could never reach his lofty mustachioed heights, though he did post an impressive 14-4 All-Star showing in 1994.

Since retiring, Saberhagen seems to have done a lot of charity work, played a lot of golf, and briefly ran a play in upstate New York called “Bret Saberhagen’s Hit & Fun”, sadly no longer open. He also coaches his son’s high school baseball team, and as you can see from this photo op with fellow KC Cy Young winner (and quote machine) Zack Grienke, the mustache is back.

Bill Laskey
Mustache Rating: 3 Fingerses
Years Active: 1982-1988
Teams Played For: San Francisco Giants, Montreal Expos, Cleveland Indians
Career Stats: 42-53, 4.14 ERA
Was He Ever a Diamond King?: No
Claims to Fame:
-The Giants traded fellow MPot80s Vida Blue to the Royals in 1982 for Laskey and clean-shaven but wonderfully named Atlee Hammaker

-Named to Baseball Digest’s 1982 Rookie All-Star Team for his 13-12/3.14 ERA first Major League season

-Alongside Hammaker, prematurely compared to Koufax/Drysdale, apparently another “Fire & Ice” duo, though neither Hall of Famer could “twitch his dark mustache and sneer at the batter” like Laskey

-His legendary exploits inspired a venerable Saturday Night Live sketch, with names slightly changed for legal reasons

-In retirement, has founded Celebrity Connection, a company that organizes fantasy camps for the Giants and other organizations. And yes, he’s still got the mustache!

Sammy Stewart
Mustache Rating: 4 Fingerses*
Years Active: 1978-1987
Teams Played For: Baltimore Orioles, Boston Red Sox, Cleveland Indians
Career Stats: 59-48, 3.59 ERA
Was He Ever a Diamond King?: No
Claims to Fame:
-Led the American League with a 2.32 ERA in 1981
-Pitched 7 2/3 innings of scoreless World Series baseball in 1979 and 1983
-Was available to pitch in the 1986 World Series, but was benched for spitting on Red Sox traveling secretary Jack Rogers after a disagreement
-After retirement, became addicted to crack cocaine and was arrested twenty-six times. Stewart is currently in prison in North Carolina.
-Throughout it all, has kept the mustache!

* Additional 1/2 Fingers awarded for winning smile and curly mop of hair

Rick Rhoden
Mustache Rating: 3.5 Fingerses
Years Active: 1974-1989
Teams Played For: Los Angeles Dodgers, Pittsburgh Pirates, New York Yankees, Houston Astros
Career Stats: 151-125, 3.59 ERA
Was He Ever a Diamond King?: Yes!
Claims to Fame:
-Billy Martin put Rhoden in as designated hitter in a June 11, 1988 Yankees/Orioles game, marking the first time a pitcher batted in an American League regular season game since the Designated Hitter Rule was enacted. Rhoden went 0-1 with a sacrifice fly, and amazingly, no one — not even Lou Pinella — has tried it since.

-Traded by the Pirates to the Yankees in the 1986-7 offseason in a six man, four mustache deal (Rhoden, Cecilio Guante and Pat Clements for Doug Drabek, Logan Easley & Brian Fisher)

-Since retiring from baseball, has become a professional golfer. He’s on Facebook for his golfing.

Lee Tunnell
Mustache Rating: 3 Fingers
Years Active: 1981-1991
Teams Played For: San Diego Padres, Oakland Athletics
Career Stats: 101-89, 3.66 ERA
Was He Ever a Diamond King?: No
Claims to Fame:

- Once played alongside Al Holland, the duo was dubbed “Holland Tunnell” on a novelty baseball card
- His post-MLB career has seen him work with teams named the Daiei Hawks, the Drillers and the Riverbats
- Had some pretty awesome glasses, and played the majority of his major league career in a painter’s cap
- Appears to be on Facebook
- Son James drafted in 2008, is part of the San Diego Padres farm system

Eric Show
Mustache Rating: 3.5 Fingers*
Years Active: 1981-1991
Teams Played For: San Diego Padres, Oakland Athletics
Career Stats: 101-89, 3.66 ERA
Was He Ever a Diamond King?: No
Claims to Fame:
-Gave up Pete Rose’s 4,192nd hit in 1985

-Hit Andre Dawson in the face in 1987

-Most Career Wins as a Padre (100)

-Jazz guitar enthusiast and member of the John Birch Society

-Died at 38 following a drug overdose

Show had a sad but fascinating life. The San Diego Union Tribune published a nice piece on him in 2008. Prior to this series, I only knew him as the guy that gave up Pete Rose’s record-breaking hit, and one of the many pitchers in the 1980s who had a mustache.

* an additional half-Finger has been awarded for how well he wears the brown-and-gold warmup jacket

It’s another cold, inhospitable evening in Brooklyn, and for the first time since 2001, there are two simultaneous professional wrestling programs airing on Monday. Each program is being hyped as the return of performers already considered old in 2001: TNA has Hulk Hogan, WWE has Bret Hart. At least one show will likely heavily involve midgets. It’s a magic way to ring in 2010, and I have decided to liveblog it.

I’ve also decided to drink a magnum of Anchor Brewing Christmas Ale that has spent the last decade in my parents’ basement before being fobbed off on me over the holidays. According to Anchor Brewing,

Properly refrigerated, the beer remains intriguing and drinkable for years, with different nuances slowly emerging as the flavor mellows slightly.

We shall see.

But lest all of this night be backwards-looking, I’m going to try this newfangled CoverItLive software tonight. Hopefully it is showing up below this message.

Kudos to Team I-Man, as both Ian and Isley correctly surmised that the last post was a description of Beowulf, aka Beaiowufu. We’re going to crank up the difficulty here a little bit, and instead of providing box copy, this one will be based on the English subtitles of the film’s pivotal scene. Check out this fiery speech given by the protagonist!

4 Cowards
You saw It
I Was Taught
should Have Told My Mom
Bing Jitti here, show them
Nowhere Else
Only The Jurks
I Can Only say
Do What I Like
I Don’t Understand You
Useless Trash
Raise Your Hands
Let’s Get Him
This Is Funny
6 Days Without shower
smell Like shits
Fuck His Dad,
Fuck Everybody, No sight
Fuck This shelter
Just Look At What We Do
Come Down, Come Down
The Champion
At this House, Take Off Clothes

Because Ian shat where he at, comments are closed. Send your guesses to chris AT cobr.as by midnight Thursday!

UPDATE UPDATE UPDATE
I omitted the opening lines of this speech, because I thought they’d make it too easy and obvious. It’s apparently very hard to guess correctly without them. Here are two additional hints:

1. This film won an Oscar.
2. The protagonist of the film is called Robby in the subtitles, but not in the film.