Dick Tidrow
Mustache Rating: 4.9 Fingerses
Years Active: 1974-1984
Teams Played For: Cleveland Indians, New York Yankees, Chicago Cubs, Chicago White Sox, New York Mets
Career Stats: 100-94, 3.68 ERA
Was He Ever a Diamond King?: No
Claims to Fame:

- Nicknamed “Dirt”, played a variety of roles throughout his career, including being an early iteration of the “setup” man for future Hall of Famers (and fellow MPo1980s) Bruce Sutter and Goose Gossage.
- Member of two World Series Champion teams, the 1977 and 1978 New York Yankees
- Is only one of three players to ever play for both modern New York and Chicago teams, alongside journeymen Charley Smith and Lance Johnson (Xavier Nady and Octavio Dotel are the only two active players to be one team short of this feat)
- Since retiring in 1985, has worked in the front office for the New York Yankees (1985-1993) and since then for his hometeam San Franciso Giants, even though according to this 1984 Fleer card (and his own Giants bio) has been living and raising a family in the Kansas City area for at least twenty-seven years, but has respectfully declined to adopt the Royals as his “hometown” team, I guess.
- And yeah, he’s still got a mustache. You do not give up a mustache that amazing.

Steve Rogers
Mustache Rating: 4 Fingerses
Years Active: 1973-1985
Teams Played For: Montreal Expos
Career Stats: 158-152, 3.17 ERA
Was He Ever a Diamond King?: Yes!
Claims to Fame:

- Steve Rogers, denied a chance to serve his country until a unique military experiment maximized his physical structure, turning him into a super-soldier. Frozen in suspended animation at war’s end, he awoke in the modern world, a man out of time but — [[checks Wikipedia disambiguation page]]

- WAS NOT Captain America
- Played his entire career for Montreal Expos, a decidedly un-American team, despite their deceptive color scheme
- Hold franchise records for wins, innings pitched and strikeouts, and with the team’s2004 demise, is assured to be their top pitcher for all eternity
- With three post-season wins in 1981, pitched in 60% of all Expos post-season victories, 1969-2004
- Got the decision in the Expos’ 1,000th franchise victory, a total that took them fourteen years to reach. “The second thousand will come much quicker,” Rogers assured the press in 1982. He was correct; it only took them twelve.
- Denied even a single Hall of Fame vote in 1991 (and questioned why not even Montreal journalists denied him the hometown vote), but was later inducted into the Canadian Baseball Hall of Fame and Expos Hall of Fame
- Currently living in New Jersey working for the Major League Baseball Players Association, but still reps the Expos (and Mustachioed Pitchers) in Old Timers’ games

John Candelaria
Mustache Rating: 1 Fingers
Years Active: 1975-1993
Teams Played For: Pittsburgh Pirates, California Angels, New York Mets, New York Yankees, Montreal Expos, Minnesota Twins, Toronto Blue Jays, Los Angeles Dodgers
Career Stats: 177-122, 3.33 ERA
Was He Ever a Diamond King?: No
Claims to Fame:
- At 6′7″ was one of the tallest people in the history of MLB, but rather than a self-aggrandizing nickname like “The Big Unit”, settled for “The Candy Man”, even though that did more to make him seem like a child molester than even his mustache could
- Tried out for the Dodgers as a high schooler, and allegedly was not offered a contract because he wore a pot leaf t-shirt to one day of the try-out. Would later admit he “smoked marijuana, just like everyone else” when he was younger, but felt drugs had no place in major league baseball.
- In 1973, leapt off a hotel balcony on a dare to win $4.50 from his teammates. Broke his big toe, but pitched through it.
- In 1976, threw a no-hitter for the Pittsburgh Pirates. When asked his thoughts after the game, observed, “I’m sure my mother is drunk by now.”
- Was a key member of the 1979 World Champion “WE ARE FAMILY” Pittsburgh Pirates, pitching six shutout innings in the penultimate game
- Twenty years later, was rewarded with a single Hall of Fame vote
- Thirty years later, was honored at a Pirates game, proving that even after all this time, he cannot grow a decent mustache

Finding an appropriate greeting card is a tricky proposition at best, and in recent years Father’s Day has become one of the most treacherous of all Hallmark Moments. Nearly every card on the shelves falls into one of two camps, with little in between:

GROUP ONE: “O Saintly Father, your Christian charity and homespun wisdom bring tears to my Christ-bless’d eyes, for as I walk through this world as one of God’s Soldiers, your beatific countenance serves as a perfect inspiration of intelligence and integrity. Let us join hands and weep as one, for the eternal bounty that the Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, whose teachings you have imbued into my soul as if they were your own. You are truly the wind beneath my wings.”

GROUP TWO: “Hey, Happy Father’s Day, you big fat fartin’ dummy! You look like a big ol’ fartin’ monkey, sitting your fat ass in your favorite fartchair, watching NASCAR, drinking beer until you pass out! Try not to fart too much! Also give me some money, ha ha!”

These cards are great if your father is Charles Ingalls or Homer Simpson. For everyone else, the greeting card industry had no time for you.

As I imagine is the case for many readers, my father lies somewhere in the middle. My father is not the living embodiment of Christian Virtue, nor is he an oafish fart machine. So paying him tribute on Father’s Day can be difficult. I hope this story does him justice.

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PARTISAN ALERT: I have never been a regular reader of Penny Arcade. I have been a regular listener of The Sound of Young America and Jordan Jesse Go for several years, and have met both Jordan and Jesse. They strike me as nice guys, not “ironic hipsters”, though perhaps this makes me an “ironic hipster” and therefore inherently biased. I don’t pretend otherwise.

There’s really no way to take the high road when you throw the first punch. A number of people linked me to today’s Penny Arcade strip, featuring Jesse Thorn as some sort of cannibalistic serial killer. I didn’t really get the hubbub — Jesse is a guy who works out of the home while wearing bowties and sweater vests, who dotes after his dog, who owns taxidermied squirrels, is obsessed with a demonic pig toy — Penny Arcade wouldn’t be the first people to connect these dots into a portrait of a killer. But when I read the corresponding news update,  it was clear this was no affectionate jab: it was a sincere indictment of Jesse and his radio program.

The organism who answered the door had worn a bow tie – and I am not making this up – on purpose. The next forty-five minutes were spent engaged in absolutely the most stultifying kind of nonsense while we awaited the co-host. Recording the show wasn’t much different than the previous hour, except that now there were two people to ignore us. We were steeped in a high PSI stream of cultural detritus, which culminated in an attempt by the hosts to engage seriously the subject of “Waterworld.”

There’s even an allusion to some sort of dark hostility on the part of Jordan and Jesse, as

They managed to bring out a side of Gabriel that I’ve only seen three or four times in twelve years, and only once directed at me: the implacable judge who becomes (without warning) the unadorned aggressor. You must work diligently to bring out this monster; a feat they managed in record time.

The news update paints a grim picture of Jesse as an unpleasant, unprofessional and irritating figure that one must endure, and of a duo of creators tossed into this nightmare with no forewarning. I have no idea of the day-to-day obligations of Penny Arcade creators Jerry “Tycho” Holkins and Mike “Gabe” Krahulik, but I imagine they’re quite busy with their mini-empire of comics, video games, conventions and merchandise, and I respect that being forced to wait around to get interviewed would be frustrating for people with only a fraction of the balls in the air that the two of them have. Even so, I can’t believe that they couldn’t do some cursory research about the “ironic hipster” lion’s den in which they were about to fling themselves. Instead they chose to wait until after the interview to find out that Jesse wrote a manifesto about “New Sincerity” in college and snidely dismiss it.
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Truckin’ Music is back, and we kick off the series revival with a burning question: WHO IS SLIM JACOBS?

There seems to be no information about the man, and “That’s Truck Drivin’” is his only song that seems to be released: even the flipside of the various 1960s singles feature other country/truckin’ musicians, so it seems like ol’ Slim didn’t even record a b-side.

One question on a website from 1999 offers one potential answer to the mystery, though the story seems dubious. Regardless of his true identity, Slim still left the world with a classic fatalistic barebones truckin’ song, covering all the bases: treacherous routes, societal scorn, radar blues, merciless Smokeys, drug abuse, pinball, the full monty!

So Slim Jacobs, wherever you are, whoever you are: we salute you!

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Bret Saberhagen
Mustache Rating: 1 Fingers
Years Active: 1984-2001
Teams Played For: Kansas City Royals, New York Mets, Colorado Rockies, Boston Red Sox
Career Stats: 167-117, 3.34 ERA
Was He Ever a Diamond King?: Yes!
Claims to Fame:
-Two-Time AL Cy Young Award Winner (1985, 1989)
-1985 World Series Most Valuable Player

Bret Saberhagen burst onto the scene in 1984, a twenty year old Royal sporting a weedy little caterpillar of a mustache. If my own childhood experiences in Topeka were any indication, Saberhagen inspired a wave of desperate facial hair in a generation of midwestern teens. That or the fact that the national drinking age was raised from 18 to 21 during his rookie year. Regardless, Saberhagen was a Kansas City phenomenon, the youthful sensation who won the Royals their first World Championship alongside veterans like George Brett, Dan Quisenberry, Hal McRae, Frank White and Willie Wilson.

But as all Royals stories now end, Saberhagen soon ended up playing for a bigger team, in this case the New York Mets. He shaved the mustache, and like Samson before him could never reach his lofty mustachioed heights, though he did post an impressive 14-4 All-Star showing in 1994.

Since retiring, Saberhagen seems to have done a lot of charity work, played a lot of golf, and briefly ran a play in upstate New York called “Bret Saberhagen’s Hit & Fun”, sadly no longer open. He also coaches his son’s high school baseball team, and as you can see from this photo op with fellow KC Cy Young winner (and quote machine) Zack Grienke, the mustache is back.

Bill Laskey
Mustache Rating: 3 Fingerses
Years Active: 1982-1988
Teams Played For: San Francisco Giants, Montreal Expos, Cleveland Indians
Career Stats: 42-53, 4.14 ERA
Was He Ever a Diamond King?: No
Claims to Fame:
-The Giants traded fellow MPot80s Vida Blue to the Royals in 1982 for Laskey and clean-shaven but wonderfully named Atlee Hammaker

-Named to Baseball Digest’s 1982 Rookie All-Star Team for his 13-12/3.14 ERA first Major League season

-Alongside Hammaker, prematurely compared to Koufax/Drysdale, apparently another “Fire & Ice” duo, though neither Hall of Famer could “twitch his dark mustache and sneer at the batter” like Laskey

-His legendary exploits inspired a venerable Saturday Night Live sketch, with names slightly changed for legal reasons

-In retirement, has founded Celebrity Connection, a company that organizes fantasy camps for the Giants and other organizations. And yes, he’s still got the mustache!

Sammy Stewart
Mustache Rating: 4 Fingerses*
Years Active: 1978-1987
Teams Played For: Baltimore Orioles, Boston Red Sox, Cleveland Indians
Career Stats: 59-48, 3.59 ERA
Was He Ever a Diamond King?: No
Claims to Fame:
-Led the American League with a 2.32 ERA in 1981
-Pitched 7 2/3 innings of scoreless World Series baseball in 1979 and 1983
-Was available to pitch in the 1986 World Series, but was benched for spitting on Red Sox traveling secretary Jack Rogers after a disagreement
-After retirement, became addicted to crack cocaine and was arrested twenty-six times. Stewart is currently in prison in North Carolina.
-Throughout it all, has kept the mustache!

* Additional 1/2 Fingers awarded for winning smile and curly mop of hair