I am not someone who rides in a taxi very often, so the little TV screens in the back seat are still a strange novelty to me. They’re really annoying, and I muted it as soon as I got in the car, but studies show that I will read absolutely anything put in front of me, so I spent the whole ride back to Brooklyn reading the ticker. There’s no way to get more information besides the blurb on the screen, so I just watched the headlines scroll by. The cab ride lasted about forty minutes, and this gave me the chance to see the entire list cycle through about three times. I was very confused by

DOCTOR: KENNEDY DID NOT HAVE STROKE

but that was only because I had not previously heard that Ted Kennedy had been hospitalized. I thought maybe a new JFK conspiracy theory posited he was killed by a stroke, not a magic bullet? Offered with the same lack of elaboration as I was given, here are my favorites:

FOXY BROWN PLEADS GUILTY TO MENACING
“IDOL” REJECT ACCUSED OF INAPPROPRIATE TEXTING
TRANSIT ALERT: SOME LIRR SERVICE SUSPENDED
MY WEEKEND: WHAT WILL $300K BUY? *
BROOKLYN BLOGFEST!

* Answer? Twenty cab rides from Ian & Jessica’s a day for a year