So I am a Cablevision customer. So are my parents. None of us have any real choice in the matter, as Cablevision/Optimum hold an effective monopoly on internet/television service in our respective communities. Both of these incidents were really annoying and wasted significant chunks of my Sunday and Monday, but by Wednesday everyone in my family had their service up and running. It was still deeply annoying, made doubly annoying by the near-constant stream of condescending and misleading information pushed forth by Cablevision employees. My attempts to find an appropriate place to express my displease at these practices led to an entirely new level of frustration, though.

Cablevision is incredibly secretive about their employees’ contact information; over the past few days I’ve been told repeatedly that management have e-mail accounts available only through their intranet, or that they have phone numbers inaccessible from outside lines. Both of these things happen to be untrue.

My frustration reached its peak with a series of tech support chats last night, which inspired a couple of tumblr posts about their persistent references to legal action and the tortured syntax employed in their exchanges.

One of these posts found its way onto the screen of Jim Maiella, VP of Media Relations for Cablevision, who followed me on Twitter and offered to help resolve the issue. Jim provided me with his e-mail address, and I will respect his wishes not to offer it to the public. But I will say I was able to communicate with him without being on the Cablevision intranet, and there’s something seriously flawed with a company’s workflow when the only way to get a contact address from a massive corporation is to bitch about them on Twitter and hope that one of their vice-presidents notice. What follows is the e-mail I sent him. It’s really long. Did he help me resolve the problem?

TO BE CONTINUED

from Chris Eckert <*******@gmail.com>
to Jim Maielle <********@cablevision.com>
date Fri, Jun 19, 2009 at 1:26 PM
subject Customer Support Issues

Apologies in advance for the info dump, I’ll try to make it as concise as possible.

On Saturday June 12th, I was visiting my parents in Towaco NJ when their Optimum Internet and Phone service failed. They told me this was a persistent problem, and that while physically resetting the modem would often resolve the problem, it was happening on close to a daily basis. I contacted Optimum on their behalf, and eventually was given a service appointment for between 8am and 11am on Monday. I made arrangements to be at their home on Monday for the service call. I then borrowed a car from them and drove back to my apartment in Brooklyn for the evening.

Around 2:30pm on Sunday June 13th, I discovered that my borrowed car was blocked in by a double parked Optimum Service van on 50th St. between 8th and 9th Avenue in Brooklyn. This was a problem not only for me, as my road is on a city bus route, and the MTA bus was physically unable to pass by the double parked Optimum van. This caused a blocks-long traffic snag, and alerted the entire block to the situation with a symphony of car horns. About fifteen minutes of horn honking and annoyed community members standing on the block passed with no attempt on the part of the Optimum servicers to move their van, so I called the Customer Support line at approximately 2:45pm

After finding no option within the automated phone menu for such issues, I resorted to brute-forcing my way to an operator by repeatedly pressing 0. A live support person answered, and I explained the situation and gave the relevant details — the location, the license plate tag on the van, etc. I was informed that there was no way to contact the service department with the issue directly, but that the information would be passed along and dispatch would inform the servicer of the issue.

Several minutes passed with no sign of the van’s owner, and eventually the horn blowing attracted the attention of the owners of the cars on the opposite side of the road. Those cars were moved, and the traffic stuck behind the van was able to bypass the roadblock formed by the Optimum van. Shortly afterwards, the Optimum serviceman sauntered out of a neighboring building and leisurely drove off, either unaware or indifferent to the chaos his sloppy and illegal parking job created.

That was the first negative experience I had regarding Cablevision. The next came on Monday, June 14th. Around 8:45am, we received an automated call to confirm our service appointment between 8:00 and 11:00am that day. We confirmed, and began waiting. About ten minutes later, my father (who was still home at this point) received a call from an unknown number on his cellular phone. We later learned this was our repairman. The repairman apparently hung up after a few rings, before my father could reach the phone. He left no voicemail, made no attempts to call back, and when we attempted to call the number back (still unsure whether it was our repairman) the phone system informed us that the number accepted no incoming calls.

We thought it would make no sense for a Cablevision repairman to make such a halfhearted attempt to contact us, much less block his phone from incoming calls, so I waited around until 11:00am, figuring that since we confirmed, the repairman would show up. At 11:05am, I called Cablevision again to inquire on the status of our service call. In this call, I learned that the mystery phone call was indeed our serviceman, and while it was accepted that it’s odd for someone to not wait for voicemail or try calling back, I was repeatedly assured that they have NO OBLIGATION to leave a voicemail or otherwise perform due diligence. I was even told that after we missed that phone call, the repairman had no obligation to come by our home, even though he did.

Of course, the fact is that the repairman did not come by our house. At the time of the alleged house call (9:00am) both my father and I were at home, sitting in the living room, reading the newspaper and looking for the repairman. We had a clear view of our driveway and the street. My parents also have a large (but friendly) dog, one who excitedly runs around and barks when anyone rings the doorbell, pulls into the drive, or in fact drives down the street. None of us noticed any repairman, and the repairman’s description of my parents’ house also has no bearing on its actual physical appearance. I am not saying that his “no one’s home” report is a fabrication, but at the very least he attempted service at the wrong address. This was not something the phone associate was willing to grant, giving me the impression that Cablevision’s official position was that I was lying about being home.

After several more frustrating minutes of conversation, I agreed to wait around for a ‘callback’, where the repairman would come by again between the hours of noon and 8:00pm that same day. I tried to occupy myself and wait patiently, but somewhere around 5:00pm my parents’ internet and phone failed yet again, twice in rapid succession. I called Cablevision yet again and was greeted with an automated voice message letting me know my service appointment was scheduled for Wednesday, June 17th — in other words, I had puttered around my parents’ home for six hours for no reason. I brute-forced my way to a live associate, who effectively scoffed at the notion that I would have ever gotten a callback — I had missed my appointment! When I asked what happened to the callback, she explained that a request had in fact been put in, but it was rejected by the ever-mysterious Dispatch soon afterward. Why no one would contact the consumer about this development, I have no idea. Again, it was implied that either I was lying about my situation, or that a previous associate has misinformed me. Any attempts to talk to someone from Dispatch, a supervisor or anyone who had a modicum of power to affect my situation was shut down. Dejected, I returned to Brooklyn.

I’m told that my parents successfully received service on June 17, and they’ve had uninterupted phone and internet service for over 24 hours, a feat unheard of in their recent experience. The supreme hassle that it took to get there — and let’s be honest, uninterupted phone and internet service is not an unreasonable benchmark — frustrated me though, particularly the lack of transparency and the difficulty in actually contacting someone who appeared to understand the issue at hand and take steps to resolve it. I wanted to send an e-mail to someone at Cablevision, to let them know how frustrating the automated phone service and repair call process can be for an end-user.

This is the third wave of problems, the ones that led me to complain on Twitter. Last night I prepared a letter (much of which is excerpted above) and wanted to send it to someone in customer support or consumer relations at Cablevision. Unfortunately, your website contains absolutely no such contact information. I was given the option of an extremely dubious webform (with no dropdown category for customer support), calling the very same number that I wished to take issue with, or contact an Optimum associate via live chat.

I chose chat, which is something I lived to regret. After a brief wait, I was put in contact with “John J”, whose grasp of the situation seemed very shaky. After explaining to him that I was not having trouble with my e-mail, that I simply wanted to send an e-mail to Cablevision, he suggested I call the aforementioned main customer service line. I told him that phone line had not been useful in the past, but assured me that if I selected Internet within the automated menu, I would be able to speak to someone about the issue. When I did not accept that as a solution, he suggested I fill out the web form and select IO TV, which completely baffled me, but I complied, not wishing to be rude. I still haven’t heard back from IO TV about whether or not they’re the appropriate department to handle consumer relations questions, but I theorize they were not.

Since my problems now are less with my actual Cablevision service and more with the way I am treated by Cablevision as a consumer, I wanted to save a chatlog of this unpleasant chat experience, but “John J” logged out of the system before I had a chance to save the chatlog. This further annoyed me, so I logged back into the chat service to request the previous chatlog. An excerpt of that was republished on my tumblr blog, and I saved the second chatlog and have attached it to this e-mail.

But effectively, I was repeatedly told that the chatlogs were “only saved for the sole purpose of review only” and that I was not allowed access to them. This escalated into me receiving a phone call from a Charlie ****** (516-***-****) who continued to insist I would be unable to ever see this chatlog or any other Cablevision records without a subpoena or warrant, which seemed like an extreme escalation — I wanted an e-mail address to contact Cablevision, and now a Cablevision employee is effectively daring me to sue them?

Things eventually calmed down, and Charlie was helpful — he credited my parents’ account $20.00 for the missed service call, a policy I was only aware of because I was searching for Cablevision e-mail addresses and came across a series of articles on Consumerist.com about various customer issues with Optimum/Cablevision. Somewhat less helpful was his suggestion for the e-mail address I contact: abuse@cv.net, which I was under the impression is generally the sort of place you contact Cablevision when someone is spamming, DDoSing or otherwise performing malicious computer deeds from an Optimum account. Still, I wanted to believe Charlie was giving me the right information, so I e-mailed abuse@cv.net. I was correct, it’s the wrong place to direct my concerns.

Charlie also called me a second time, and informed me that I ought to contact someone via postal mail:

Rich K*******
300 Jericho Quadrangle
Jericho, NY 11753

I was told that Mr. K******* does not have e-mail or a phone number, but he is the appropriate person to contact. A google search doesn’t reveal anything about Mr. K*******, and I am dubious that this information is particularly useful or correct. All of this led to my public complaints about Cablevision, which apparently caught your eye. I appreciate that you reached out to me, and provided me with your e-mail address. But at the same time, you must appreciate the irony of this situation, yes? Hours spent being stonewalled and frustrated by a simple request — “who can I e-mail about my customer support issues?” results in absolutely no progress and a series of dead ends. It’s only after I vent my frustrations in public that by happenstance someone from Cablevision reaches out to me and provides me with an e-mail address — one that I am asked to keep secret.

I am sure you have very valid reasons for building the firewalls you do into your communications with the public, and I know it would be productivity-crushing if people started spamming every single Cablevision employee with a mass e-mail when their Showtime isn’t working. But at the same time, the system you have set up seems broken. Better communication would have avoided pretty much every negative situation I have described in this e-mail, and on a selfish level, would’ve saved me a big chunk of a work week’s worth of unproductive frustration. I hope you don’t take this as the ravings of a crank; I’ve worked in tech support and customer service for the better part of a decade, and I know it’s not always easy. But I also know when the system’s not working. And this is not the optimal method for a consumer to get access to proper contact info.

Thanks for your time,
Chris Eckert

These are all Subject-Body couplets

The Angelina Series
Mick Jagger reveals Angelina Jolie affair – High speed chase leaves wreckage of 45 cars
Cure for breast cancer in sight – Angeline Jolie gives birth to 5 kids at a time
Angelina Jolie dies in miscarriage – Mud slinging of Tony Snow’s name bring disgrace to his last days in the White House

Inspired by my 1st Grade writing Series
Horses breaks riders skull in freak attack – Girl smashes dog to death, faces imprisonment
Boy pokes fork into sister’s eye – Space shuttle loses wing during training flight, 2 killed

The Ineffable Genius Series
Obama trouser fly slip – Your chance to pick up an iPhone at just $1.99
Barenaked Ladies with cocaine overdose – Public found that Area 51 contains the storage, examination and reverse engineering of crash alien spacecraft

I am not someone who rides in a taxi very often, so the little TV screens in the back seat are still a strange novelty to me. They’re really annoying, and I muted it as soon as I got in the car, but studies show that I will read absolutely anything put in front of me, so I spent the whole ride back to Brooklyn reading the ticker. There’s no way to get more information besides the blurb on the screen, so I just watched the headlines scroll by. The cab ride lasted about forty minutes, and this gave me the chance to see the entire list cycle through about three times. I was very confused by

DOCTOR: KENNEDY DID NOT HAVE STROKE

but that was only because I had not previously heard that Ted Kennedy had been hospitalized. I thought maybe a new JFK conspiracy theory posited he was killed by a stroke, not a magic bullet? Offered with the same lack of elaboration as I was given, here are my favorites:

FOXY BROWN PLEADS GUILTY TO MENACING
“IDOL” REJECT ACCUSED OF INAPPROPRIATE TEXTING
TRANSIT ALERT: SOME LIRR SERVICE SUSPENDED
MY WEEKEND: WHAT WILL $300K BUY? *
BROOKLYN BLOGFEST!

* Answer? Twenty cab rides from Ian & Jessica’s a day for a year

“As someone who has purchased or rated books by Jon Stewart, you might like to know that Kierkegaard and the Patristic and Medieval Tradition (Kierkegaard Research: Sources, Reception and Resources) will be released on April 15, 2008″

“We’ve noticed that customers who have purchased or rated Arrested Development – Season One have also purchased Garfield: A Cat and His Nerd on DVD. For this reason, you might like to know that Garfield: A Cat and His Nerd will be released on May 13, 2008.”

Workplace vignette
We’ve recently started allowing patrons to check out DVDs. We’ve got a weird mix of arty Criterion Collection movies, middlebrow “classics” like Star Wars and Chinatown, and then a bunch of vaguely sex/gender/New York themed stuff. I’m guessing as to the philosophy of our collection, but there is definitely a focus on films portraying homosexuality, running the gamut from The Cockettes to Queer as Folk to After Stonewall to Priscilla, Queen of the Desert.

Anyway, all of the movies are very popular. Considering school’s not in session right now, I think probably fully half of the checkouts I process are for DVDs. While checking in some movies the other day, I cracked open the DVD case for Jeffrey and was confronted with the unmistakable smell of amyl nitrate: if not the actual substance, than one of those dirty analogues they sell as ‘VCR head cleaner’ at porno/head shops. Given the movies available to our patrons, and given the generally accepted utility of poppers, this is a baffling combination. The only conclusion I can draw is that somewhere in the stacks of Fogelman, there lurks a Jean Luc Picard fetishist.

Minor Celebrity Sighting Vignette
The Corner of 13th Street and University is now officially Minor Celebrity Corner. In addition to seeing comic book writer Garth Ennis (buying comics) and Interpol bassist/herpes transmitter Carlos D (picking up dry cleaning, sans holster) last semester, the past week has revealed unto me a forelorn Dave Attell, standing outside Starbucks smoking, drinking an iced coffee and looking as lonely as Charlie Brown on Valentine’s Day, and the next day Target.com star Craig Finn was walking along the street talking on the phone.

I normally don’t have the slightest urge to talk to any celebrities, minor or otherwise, but since I am so head-over-heels for the Hold Steady and I have a vaguely amusing anecdote — that I was mistaken for Finn’s father by someone at their last Bowery show — the urge rose within me, but he was talking on the phone, and the moment was lost forever. Until, like, this weekend at their show, I guess. But still, this is a weird concentration of vaguely famous people on a single block. Although Craig Finn sort of kills my “Minor Music Celebrities on the F train streak”, which was going so well with JD Samson and Jon Spencer. I hope I don’t come off as self-satisfied or starstruck here, it’s basically just trainspotting. Like trying to keep track of how many times I see a certain graffiti tag.

Graffiti Tag Vignette
What is up with the seemingly burgeoning trend of Compl[i/e]mentary graffiti on the subways? I always thought I understood the motivations of graffiti taggers:

1. They are vandals who are subverting the commercial messages — THIS MOVIE SUCKS, BOBBY BROWN IS A CRACKHEAD, MEAT IS MURDER GO VEGAN are all messages put with clear motive and malice aforethought. Sometimes it’s not malice as much as a certain puckishness, promoting a pet cause like smoking weed, or putting balls in your mouth. But clearly it’s some sort of message that the taggers with to impose upon the pre-existing one.

2. Some taggers have a message that is not directly related to their canvas, but is still a clear message. Often it is as simple as HEY LOOK AT ME HERE IS MY TAG, other times it’s someone meticulously writing FUCK THE MTA on every single poster at a station. Either way, neither of these messages are being broadcast by an unmolested Coors Light ad. Again, I can understand this.

3. The bizarre new trend is for graffiti that simply affirms or bolsters the pre-existing message. I first noticed this when someone wrote in small ball-point-pen block letters on a Queer Eye for the Straight Guy poster the words of encouragement “YOU GO JAY! MAKE THAT MONEY!” I suppose this, at least, was a message complementary but external to the message of “WATCH THE NEW SEASON OF QUEER EYE” but it was still strange.

Not long after someone started writing further information about the forthcoming PSP video game system onto Sony’s austere advertisements, including useful info such as its MSRP and release date but also filling in strange technical details about the processor and monitor built into the PSP. Either there was a very strange street team assignment at work, or someone was a big fan.

The latest spate of this has been someone writing RIP JOHN LENNON 1940-1980 WE MISS YOU on posters which promote a museum exhibit whose subject is a tribute to John Lennon. Adding that legend to the top of a poster encouraging people to go see a museum exhibit dedicated to celebrating Lennon’s life and career seems to be a completely superfluous gesture, one hardly worth the infinitesimal chance that you’ll get ticketed for vandalism. Did the vandal in question get worried that without their own emphasis, people would look at the posters and think that the museum piece is dedicated to saying “Thank god that Lennon motherfucker’s dead”?

There are other examples but I’m blanking. What motivates people to do this?

Yes, everything work-related comes in pairs. I’m like a retail Noah.

One
YOUNGER BROTHER: Rosa Parks Story? The hell is that?
OLDER SISTER: Duh! Think back to history class!
YOUNGER BROTHER: What do you mean, I don’t remember any Rosa Parks.
OLDER SISTER: You’re so stupid!
YOUNGER BROTHER: …
OLDER SISTER: Come on!
YOUNGER BROTHER: …
OLDER SISTER: She ran the Underground Railroad! For the slaves!
YOUNGER BROTHER: …
YOUNGER BROTHER: That looks like a bus.

Two
(commentary from a college-aged female, upon picking up the box of Blazing Saddles and turning to her similarly collegiate-aged female companion)

“Did you ever see this movie? It’s kind of funny. My brother rented it one time. It was made back in the 1970s, and I guess, like, there weren’t people fighting for civil rights and stuff back in the seventies, because this movie is soooooooooo racist! It’s kind of funny. I mean, like, in the seventies they didn’t care if you were racist, and so this movie is soooooo racist.”

I don’t know why both of my favorite customer pairs are so race-minded.