John Candelaria
Mustache Rating: 1 Fingers
Years Active: 1975-1993
Teams Played For: Pittsburgh Pirates, California Angels, New York Mets, New York Yankees, Montreal Expos, Minnesota Twins, Toronto Blue Jays, Los Angeles Dodgers
Career Stats: 177-122, 3.33 ERA
Was He Ever a Diamond King?: No
Claims to Fame:
- At 6′7″ was one of the tallest people in the history of MLB, but rather than a self-aggrandizing nickname like “The Big Unit”, settled for “The Candy Man”, even though that did more to make him seem like a child molester than even his mustache could
- Tried out for the Dodgers as a high schooler, and allegedly was not offered a contract because he wore a pot leaf t-shirt to one day of the try-out. Would later admit he “smoked marijuana, just like everyone else” when he was younger, but felt drugs had no place in major league baseball.
- In 1973, leapt off a hotel balcony on a dare to win $4.50 from his teammates. Broke his big toe, but pitched through it.
- In 1976, threw a no-hitter for the Pittsburgh Pirates. When asked his thoughts after the game, observed, “I’m sure my mother is drunk by now.”
- Was a key member of the 1979 World Champion “WE ARE FAMILY” Pittsburgh Pirates, pitching six shutout innings in the penultimate game
- Twenty years later, was rewarded with a single Hall of Fame vote
- Thirty years later, was honored at a Pirates game, proving that even after all this time, he cannot grow a decent mustache

Bret Saberhagen
Mustache Rating: 1 Fingers
Years Active: 1984-2001
Teams Played For: Kansas City Royals, New York Mets, Colorado Rockies, Boston Red Sox
Career Stats: 167-117, 3.34 ERA
Was He Ever a Diamond King?: Yes!
Claims to Fame:
-Two-Time AL Cy Young Award Winner (1985, 1989)
-1985 World Series Most Valuable Player

Bret Saberhagen burst onto the scene in 1984, a twenty year old Royal sporting a weedy little caterpillar of a mustache. If my own childhood experiences in Topeka were any indication, Saberhagen inspired a wave of desperate facial hair in a generation of midwestern teens. That or the fact that the national drinking age was raised from 18 to 21 during his rookie year. Regardless, Saberhagen was a Kansas City phenomenon, the youthful sensation who won the Royals their first World Championship alongside veterans like George Brett, Dan Quisenberry, Hal McRae, Frank White and Willie Wilson.

But as all Royals stories now end, Saberhagen soon ended up playing for a bigger team, in this case the New York Mets. He shaved the mustache, and like Samson before him could never reach his lofty mustachioed heights, though he did post an impressive 14-4 All-Star showing in 1994.

Since retiring, Saberhagen seems to have done a lot of charity work, played a lot of golf, and briefly ran a play in upstate New York called “Bret Saberhagen’s Hit & Fun”, sadly no longer open. He also coaches his son’s high school baseball team, and as you can see from this photo op with fellow KC Cy Young winner (and quote machine) Zack Grienke, the mustache is back.

Bill Laskey
Mustache Rating: 3 Fingerses
Years Active: 1982-1988
Teams Played For: San Francisco Giants, Montreal Expos, Cleveland Indians
Career Stats: 42-53, 4.14 ERA
Was He Ever a Diamond King?: No
Claims to Fame:
-The Giants traded fellow MPot80s Vida Blue to the Royals in 1982 for Laskey and clean-shaven but wonderfully named Atlee Hammaker

-Named to Baseball Digest’s 1982 Rookie All-Star Team for his 13-12/3.14 ERA first Major League season

-Alongside Hammaker, prematurely compared to Koufax/Drysdale, apparently another “Fire & Ice” duo, though neither Hall of Famer could “twitch his dark mustache and sneer at the batter” like Laskey

-His legendary exploits inspired a venerable Saturday Night Live sketch, with names slightly changed for legal reasons

-In retirement, has founded Celebrity Connection, a company that organizes fantasy camps for the Giants and other organizations. And yes, he’s still got the mustache!

Sammy Stewart
Mustache Rating: 4 Fingerses*
Years Active: 1978-1987
Teams Played For: Baltimore Orioles, Boston Red Sox, Cleveland Indians
Career Stats: 59-48, 3.59 ERA
Was He Ever a Diamond King?: No
Claims to Fame:
-Led the American League with a 2.32 ERA in 1981
-Pitched 7 2/3 innings of scoreless World Series baseball in 1979 and 1983
-Was available to pitch in the 1986 World Series, but was benched for spitting on Red Sox traveling secretary Jack Rogers after a disagreement
-After retirement, became addicted to crack cocaine and was arrested twenty-six times. Stewart is currently in prison in North Carolina.
-Throughout it all, has kept the mustache!

* Additional 1/2 Fingers awarded for winning smile and curly mop of hair

Rick Rhoden
Mustache Rating: 3.5 Fingerses
Years Active: 1974-1989
Teams Played For: Los Angeles Dodgers, Pittsburgh Pirates, New York Yankees, Houston Astros
Career Stats: 151-125, 3.59 ERA
Was He Ever a Diamond King?: Yes!
Claims to Fame:
-Billy Martin put Rhoden in as designated hitter in a June 11, 1988 Yankees/Orioles game, marking the first time a pitcher batted in an American League regular season game since the Designated Hitter Rule was enacted. Rhoden went 0-1 with a sacrifice fly, and amazingly, no one — not even Lou Pinella — has tried it since.

-Traded by the Pirates to the Yankees in the 1986-7 offseason in a six man, four mustache deal (Rhoden, Cecilio Guante and Pat Clements for Doug Drabek, Logan Easley & Brian Fisher)

-Since retiring from baseball, has become a professional golfer. He’s on Facebook for his golfing.

Lee Tunnell
Mustache Rating: 3 Fingers
Years Active: 1981-1991
Teams Played For: San Diego Padres, Oakland Athletics
Career Stats: 101-89, 3.66 ERA
Was He Ever a Diamond King?: No
Claims to Fame:

- Once played alongside Al Holland, the duo was dubbed “Holland Tunnell” on a novelty baseball card
- His post-MLB career has seen him work with teams named the Daiei Hawks, the Drillers and the Riverbats
- Had some pretty awesome glasses, and played the majority of his major league career in a painter’s cap
- Appears to be on Facebook
- Son James drafted in 2008, is part of the San Diego Padres farm system

Eric Show
Mustache Rating: 3.5 Fingers*
Years Active: 1981-1991
Teams Played For: San Diego Padres, Oakland Athletics
Career Stats: 101-89, 3.66 ERA
Was He Ever a Diamond King?: No
Claims to Fame:
-Gave up Pete Rose’s 4,192nd hit in 1985

-Hit Andre Dawson in the face in 1987

-Most Career Wins as a Padre (100)

-Jazz guitar enthusiast and member of the John Birch Society

-Died at 38 following a drug overdose

Show had a sad but fascinating life. The San Diego Union Tribune published a nice piece on him in 2008. Prior to this series, I only knew him as the guy that gave up Pete Rose’s record-breaking hit, and one of the many pitchers in the 1980s who had a mustache.

* an additional half-Finger has been awarded for how well he wears the brown-and-gold warmup jacket